The World’s Okayest Mom

I have anxiety and ADD. Things like Christmas shopping for a ton of people put me over the edge every. single. year. Things such as going to family parties, decorating, selecting a tree and buying presents have always been a huge stressor to me. I know, we ALL want to give our kids a perfect magical Christmas full of traditions and Elves and wonderous activities but the reality is that for the working mommies who have multiple kids and responsibilities it gets a bit tricky. One major reason this stuff always stressed me out was the lack of money -  I was a single parent, in nursing school, paying for school out of pocket, and working a full-time job that paid slightly above minimum wage. My kid wanted to cool stuff like any other kid - Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, American Girl dolls, clothes from the cool stores but I really couldn't afford much of it. Plus I always felt like I had to buy things for my friends and other family members even if they didn't care. I was luc...

Earlier today I was circling hardcore. The kind of anxiety where you just feel kind of not good, can’t quite breathe right, you’re worried but not sure what about, start getting tunnel vision and feeling like you just have to lay down right now and go to sleep or you might die.... I am applauding myself because I recognized what was happening and in my foggy mind I sat down and thought “what can i do? I have a toddler sitting in his high chair eating his lunch so I can’t fall apart right now. I have a lot to do today and I can’t put it all on hold for an anxiety attack. I have to fix this.” I already took my Zoloft so had to wait for that to work. I already texted a friend and said I’m having an anxiety attack but have to wait for a response. So I sat down and drank a bottle of water and thought about deep breathing... that’s supposed to help! Then I remembered that doing the “legs up the wall” pose (or Viparita Karani) is supposed to help also so I laid on the floor while the bab...

We meet friends when we are young, teens, 20’s and we think they are our soulmates. We like all the same stuff, we hate all the same stuff. We have fun, we “get” each other. But as we go through life experiences we grow and change and often we don’t fit together anymore. Sometimes we are lucky and even if we don’t fit like we used to we still love and support each other. I’m lucky enough to have a best friend since 9th grade who while we have grown far apart physically and in our experiences, we still love and support each other in all of our life travels. We may not see eye to eye on everything but we can put our differences aside and still have a great time and be supportive. I think one of the biggest friendship breakers is having kids. We all started out having our kids and not really knowing all there is to know (do any of us know everything really anyway??). Leaning on people who have already been there, done that is so important for new moms to get by. You may have different v...

I had an early miscarriage. In fact, I had two. I hate to even admit those words honestly, it’s easier to just forget about it and pretend it never happened because admitting that it happened to me is really, really painful. We sort of lazily tried for around 5 months or so to get pregnant before I got that BFP (big fat positive). I was honestly shocked when I saw that positive test because I didn’t think it was going to happen! I kept it a secret for an entire 2 days. When I finally told PJ he was kind of freaked out and had a hard time handling the news. We had an argument the following Thursday about it, I told him to have a talk with his brother because I didn’t know how to help him be ok with having a baby - this was all super new for him so I understood the immense fear he would be feeling but I’m not a guy, I don’t know. Exactly one week later, a Saturday night, I had a sudden onset of severe cramping and bleeding. I googled and googled, texted people I haven’t spoken to in ...

I’ve been noticing a trend lately with moms (and not moms also) that so many feel like they need to control every aspect of everything all the time. The possibility of not being in full control of every situation just puts them over the edge. This is such a hard way to live. I’m guilty of trying to control too many things myself!  You have to learn how to let some things go! You have to learn that it’s ok if things aren’t perfect. It’s ok if you aren’t a perfect Pinterest mom. As frustrating and difficult as that might be to realize, the perfect Pinterest moms are NOT perfect. Their kids have temper tantrums, they get sick, they pick their noses, they eat McDonalds, they dump their Cheez-It’s in their car seat, the kids rip their nicely styled hair out as soon as they get to school,  they smack their heads while trying to get them into their car seats, their kids dump their dinner on the floor, their husbands (boyfriends, spouses, wives, whatever) aren’t always nice to the...

I find that people who don’t have a preemie or a child with special needs really can’t understand the level of busy and mental exhaustion that comes along with this life. We have gotten off very lucky with our situation in that our preemie has had far less “issues” than many others but it has been difficult nonetheless. Over the last 3 years (including the end part of my pregnancy) we have seen more doctors, therapists, and specialties; had more testing and monitoring done than I ever though possible. It’s so easy for someone with a normal healthy family to say “if you’re not happy with your postpartum body just make the time to go to the gym”. “You should always take some ‘Mommy time’ for yourself” or “schedule your time for grocery shopping, you only have one (little) kid.” What they don’t understand is that I struggle for the majority of my day to get my child to eat a small amount of calories to get him to gain weight and avoid a feeding tube. All activities have to be planne...

So you're sad that we don't talk anymore. You noticed that I don't text you or invite you to go have dinner or drinks anymore. You noticed that I don't reach out to you when I have a problem or to see how you are doing with your life. It appears that you are under the impression that I just arbitrarily left your life with no rhyme or reason, just faded out and don't care. Perhaps I'm just crazy, perhaps I'm just a bitch. One of the things that drew me to you as a friend was your "fit it" attitude. When I had anxiety over work, school, kids, boyfriends, or life in general you sat down with me and said "Tell me what the problems are and lets find solutions." That was exactly what I needed from a friend. I did the same for you but you chose not to confide in me. That was your choice and I respected that. What I didn't realize for a while was how you were bullying me at the same time. When people saw and heard the mean things you did...

I am not a superhero. Neither are my friends the paramedics, firefighters, police, doctors, and fellow emergency nurses. We can not look at you and use our Spidey Sense to diagnose your ailments in an instant. We can not order, perform, read results, and give you a mystery medicine in the form of a gust of healing wind to cure you in a single bound. I can not zip you from the front door to your exam room then to your inpatient room then back to your home like The Flash. I can not run backwards like Superman and turn back time to before you had your fully modifiable and preventable illnesses and make them disappear. Emergency Responders can not sense your emergency and teleport themselves to you in ten seconds or less and solve all your problems at a moment's notice. They can not sense when you are in danger from miles away and use their telekinesis to foil your attack before it happens. They can not single-handedly lift you and float you on a cloud to the nearest hospital for tre...