I am 1 in 4.
I had an early miscarriage. In fact, I had two. I hate to even admit those words honestly, it’s easier to just forget about it and pretend it never happened because admitting that it happened to me is really, really painful.
We sort of lazily tried for around 5 months or so to get pregnant before I got that BFP (big fat positive). I was honestly shocked when I saw that positive test because I didn’t think it was going to happen! I kept it a secret for an entire 2 days. When I finally told PJ he was kind of freaked out and had a hard time handling the news. We had an argument the following Thursday about it, I told him to have a talk with his brother because I didn’t know how to help him be ok with having a baby - this was all super new for him so I understood the immense fear he would be feeling but I’m not a guy, I don’t know.
Exactly one week later, a Saturday night, I had a sudden onset of severe cramping and bleeding. I googled and googled, texted people I haven’t spoken to in ages for assurance that maybe it was fine. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t fine. PJ was asleep on the couch, after hours I finally woke him up and told him what was going on. I was still trying to convince him (and myself) that it was fine, a normal variant and I would call the doctor in the morning. I couldn't stop crying. Why was this happening? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
As expected, the doctor was underwhelmed. I had already called earlier in the week and set up my first appointment at 8 weeks for a new maternity evaluation. It was damn near impossible to spit out the words that I needed to say to her about what I was experiencing. I'm a nurse, I've cared for patients going through this exact thing many many times, I should be an expert. But this was me this time, this was my pain, my bleeding, my trauma. They ordered the bloodwork to test the hormone levels - 3 separate blood tests 48 hours apart to see what direction the hormones were trending. If the HCG level went down with each test or was too low to start then I had miscarried. If it was stable or high enough then all was likely well for now. Great, so I have to drag myself to the lab THREE TIMES to get stuck with needles.
The next day we had to go to the Christmas tree farm and pick out our Christmas tree with the whole family. I was bleeding heavily, in a lot of pain and trying to keep it all a secret. I put on my silly Santa hat and put on a smile and picked out an awesome tree. Back to the house for our annual family Christmas tree cutting party - do I drink wine and assume I'm not pregnant or do I avoid alcohol and assume I am pregnant? It was easiest to just not drink and not say anything. The pictures we took of that day came out adorable. If only anyone knew what was really happening.
In the end, my blood work results were actually very low and went down to nothing almost immediately which suggests a probable "chemical pregnancy": a pregnancy that was never viable from the very first instant of conception. The doctor said I should wait for the hormones to be back to zero (which they were within the week despite the continued bleeding) and then I could continue to try again. There was no immediate reason why I shouldn't be able to conceive. If only I knew what the future held for us!
Writing this down now brings back the memories of how lost, scared and angry I was during this. The fear of the unknown was major, I had no idea what was happening, what was going to happen. How long was this going to last? When was I going to feel normal again - physically and emotionally? I still feel so much guilt - what did I do wrong? Did I allow myself to be exposed to something while I was working that caused me to miscarry? I was only 5 weeks, plenty of other people miscarry at far later than 5 weeks and have had time to bond with their baby and deserve the chance to mourn that loss - did I even have the right to be upset when I barely knew I was pregnant for a week? Was I being overdramatic? Other people have ectopics or need D&C's or lose late-term pregnancies, mine was fairly simple, quick and early really - who was I to act like it was a big deal?
Of course, afterward, all I could see was pregnant women and newborns. I kept getting patients in the ER who were unexpectedly pregnant or miscarrying. How was I supposed to manage myself to support these people when I could barely keep it together? Every day I went home and cried for hours. I made it my job to know everything about TTC (trying to conceive), fertility, ovulation, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy. I spoke to everyone I could about it because it was all I could think about. I found out, much to my surprise, that so many people have experienced at least one if not multiple early miscarriages. It's so much more common than I ever thought at the time.
Intellectually I know that it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it or stop it from happening. The guilt that I still carry is real. I try to remind myself that it is common, it happens to many. I just never thought it would happen to me. I am allowed to grieve and the idea that since I was "only 5 weeks" it wasn't as important as someone else's story is silly! My story is my story and I lost a baby just like anyone else. I will always wonder what would have been. I will always wonder why. That brand new life that only lasted 5 weeks was given to me for a reason - I have yet to determine what the lesson was for me. Perhaps the lesson wasn't for me - I wonder sometimes if the lesson was for PJ or for one of my patients that I suffered alongside, or one of my friends that I chatted with. Maybe the lesson is for someone reading my story that they can feel at peace knowing that they are not alone.
I was lucky enough to have my rainbow baby a year later (that's a whole other story!) and many of the women I know who suffered like me also were fortunate enough to have multiple rainbow babies! The story isn't over.
If you are also 1 in 4 please know that you are not alone in this. I felt hopeless but it did get better.
We sort of lazily tried for around 5 months or so to get pregnant before I got that BFP (big fat positive). I was honestly shocked when I saw that positive test because I didn’t think it was going to happen! I kept it a secret for an entire 2 days. When I finally told PJ he was kind of freaked out and had a hard time handling the news. We had an argument the following Thursday about it, I told him to have a talk with his brother because I didn’t know how to help him be ok with having a baby - this was all super new for him so I understood the immense fear he would be feeling but I’m not a guy, I don’t know.
Exactly one week later, a Saturday night, I had a sudden onset of severe cramping and bleeding. I googled and googled, texted people I haven’t spoken to in ages for assurance that maybe it was fine. I knew in my heart that it wasn’t fine. PJ was asleep on the couch, after hours I finally woke him up and told him what was going on. I was still trying to convince him (and myself) that it was fine, a normal variant and I would call the doctor in the morning. I couldn't stop crying. Why was this happening? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
As expected, the doctor was underwhelmed. I had already called earlier in the week and set up my first appointment at 8 weeks for a new maternity evaluation. It was damn near impossible to spit out the words that I needed to say to her about what I was experiencing. I'm a nurse, I've cared for patients going through this exact thing many many times, I should be an expert. But this was me this time, this was my pain, my bleeding, my trauma. They ordered the bloodwork to test the hormone levels - 3 separate blood tests 48 hours apart to see what direction the hormones were trending. If the HCG level went down with each test or was too low to start then I had miscarried. If it was stable or high enough then all was likely well for now. Great, so I have to drag myself to the lab THREE TIMES to get stuck with needles.
The next day we had to go to the Christmas tree farm and pick out our Christmas tree with the whole family. I was bleeding heavily, in a lot of pain and trying to keep it all a secret. I put on my silly Santa hat and put on a smile and picked out an awesome tree. Back to the house for our annual family Christmas tree cutting party - do I drink wine and assume I'm not pregnant or do I avoid alcohol and assume I am pregnant? It was easiest to just not drink and not say anything. The pictures we took of that day came out adorable. If only anyone knew what was really happening.
In the end, my blood work results were actually very low and went down to nothing almost immediately which suggests a probable "chemical pregnancy": a pregnancy that was never viable from the very first instant of conception. The doctor said I should wait for the hormones to be back to zero (which they were within the week despite the continued bleeding) and then I could continue to try again. There was no immediate reason why I shouldn't be able to conceive. If only I knew what the future held for us!
Writing this down now brings back the memories of how lost, scared and angry I was during this. The fear of the unknown was major, I had no idea what was happening, what was going to happen. How long was this going to last? When was I going to feel normal again - physically and emotionally? I still feel so much guilt - what did I do wrong? Did I allow myself to be exposed to something while I was working that caused me to miscarry? I was only 5 weeks, plenty of other people miscarry at far later than 5 weeks and have had time to bond with their baby and deserve the chance to mourn that loss - did I even have the right to be upset when I barely knew I was pregnant for a week? Was I being overdramatic? Other people have ectopics or need D&C's or lose late-term pregnancies, mine was fairly simple, quick and early really - who was I to act like it was a big deal?
Of course, afterward, all I could see was pregnant women and newborns. I kept getting patients in the ER who were unexpectedly pregnant or miscarrying. How was I supposed to manage myself to support these people when I could barely keep it together? Every day I went home and cried for hours. I made it my job to know everything about TTC (trying to conceive), fertility, ovulation, miscarriage, chemical pregnancy. I spoke to everyone I could about it because it was all I could think about. I found out, much to my surprise, that so many people have experienced at least one if not multiple early miscarriages. It's so much more common than I ever thought at the time.
Intellectually I know that it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it or stop it from happening. The guilt that I still carry is real. I try to remind myself that it is common, it happens to many. I just never thought it would happen to me. I am allowed to grieve and the idea that since I was "only 5 weeks" it wasn't as important as someone else's story is silly! My story is my story and I lost a baby just like anyone else. I will always wonder what would have been. I will always wonder why. That brand new life that only lasted 5 weeks was given to me for a reason - I have yet to determine what the lesson was for me. Perhaps the lesson wasn't for me - I wonder sometimes if the lesson was for PJ or for one of my patients that I suffered alongside, or one of my friends that I chatted with. Maybe the lesson is for someone reading my story that they can feel at peace knowing that they are not alone.
I was lucky enough to have my rainbow baby a year later (that's a whole other story!) and many of the women I know who suffered like me also were fortunate enough to have multiple rainbow babies! The story isn't over.
If you are also 1 in 4 please know that you are not alone in this. I felt hopeless but it did get better.
Thank you for sharing this story and so happy to hear the yr update and about your rainbow baby! I recently miscarried, baby was 6w4d and this was less than a week ago. Stories like these only inspire me. XoXo congrats again.
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