An Open Letter to the Friend Whose Life I Walked Out of.

So you're sad that we don't talk anymore. You noticed that I don't text you or invite you to go have dinner or drinks anymore. You noticed that I don't reach out to you when I have a problem or to see how you are doing with your life. It appears that you are under the impression that I just arbitrarily left your life with no rhyme or reason, just faded out and don't care. Perhaps I'm just crazy, perhaps I'm just a bitch.

One of the things that drew me to you as a friend was your "fit it" attitude. When I had anxiety over work, school, kids, boyfriends, or life in general you sat down with me and said "Tell me what the problems are and lets find solutions." That was exactly what I needed from a friend. I did the same for you but you chose not to confide in me. That was your choice and I respected that.

What I didn't realize for a while was how you were bullying me at the same time. When people saw and heard the mean things you did and said to me and asked why I bothered with you I defended you and told them that you meant well and made mistakes. I stood by you as a friend and let you act out causing my experience through school to be doubly as difficult as it should have been. You came clean and told me all the things you did and why. I forgave you and let it all go even though you repeatedly hurt me deeply. I told everyone that I don't believe in throwing away a friend.

You called us "best friends", you said I was your closest friend because you didn't have many friends at all. When I came to visit you on your floor at work your coworker bashed me, my friends, and coworkers mercilessly right to my face. You literally looked the other way and did not say one word. You claimed you "didn't hear anything". You didn't defend me, You didn't tell her to stop. When I told you what had happened literally right in front of your face you told me I shouldn't talk negatively about her because she is your friend. You defended her for bullying me. When I commented at a later time my displeasure at seeing her at work you again told me not to say negative things because she is your friend. When did you tell others not to talk negatively about me because I was your friend? Never that I have heard of.

When I heard from someone other than you that you were expecting I was a little disappointed but understood the situation. When you finally told me yourself I was so excited. I was going to be an aunt! I was going to buy baby clothes and toys and presents, visit you in the hospital, babysit, take your baby to the park, do all the great things you get to do with babies since my own was all grown up.

I knew you were nervous about being pregnant because you didn't have a lot of experience with such things. I made a point of not giving you advice but telling you that I was always willing to talk about anything because I know a little, being a mom myself and having many years of work in the field of pregnancy, babies and children. When I asked you how things were you gave me short answers such as "fine." or "I don't know, it's in there." indicating that you weren't interested in discussing your pregnancy with me. So I stopped asking.

When You gave birth, I knew it was a scary and difficult time for you as things weren't going to go as planned. I was in that position too at one time in my life, and I let you know that I understood and was supporting you with whatever you needed. I waited hours to hear that your baby was born, worried when i didn't hear any news. I was disappointed when I received a carefully worded group text that went to everyone you knew that was "unimportant but important enough to inform". I thought I was more important to you than that.

Don't be confused, I never thought your pregnancy or birth, or child had anything whatsoever to do with me. I was saddened by the fact that as much as I tried to support you and let you know I was there for you, you shut me out. So I stopped asking.

Your first few months as a mom were very difficult for you. I felt terrible for you that it wasn't all happy mommy-baby time. You told me that you were sad, anxious, and worst of all you felt isolated and alone. I never gave you advice but I told you that I would be happy to come over and help you in any way you needed. I would care for your baby while you slept, I would clean your house and do your laundry, I would just sit with you so you wouldn't feel alone. You said "no thanks" and never said a word about it again. When I asked you gave short answers: "I'm fine". "everything is fine". So I stopped asking.

I tried to make plans with you many times to go out and have dinner or drinks, get our nails done, or go shopping. Every single time you cancelled on me hours before with a lame excuse that the baby was cranky or had to be put to bed, or anything you could think of to put me off. I understood completely how it is to be a new mom and trying to juggle your time and how making plans with friends can be difficult. The funny thing was that every time you cancelled on me you tagged yourself on Facebook with another friend doing the exact thing you just cancelled on me. So I stopped asking.

When I said I wanted to apply for a job in the same department where you wourked, you seemed excited. You said "it would be great to be back together again and have a friend" because you told me you had a hard time fitting in with the people there but it was getting better. When I was called for an interview instead of sharing my excitement you suddenly started trying to talk me out of it. "The people are mean, the job is too hard, I hate it here, you don't want to work in this department, it's a mistake for you" is what I heard. My interview went well but for some reason I wasn't hired. When I related my disappointment to you you couldn't be bothered. All you could say was "I don't know" then not speak to me for weeks. From my vantage point, you seemed annoyed that I was encroaching on "your turf" even though it was my turf first. But I let it go.

A month and a half later, pictures show up on social media of your baby's first birthday party featuring all your hospital friends, friends with kids and pegnancies. It looked like a nice time. I wasn't invited. You made me feel like I didn't count as a friend, or as a mother because I didn't have a baby nor was I pregnant therefore I wasn't important enough or knowledgeable enough to be a part of your "new" life. 

That was really the last straw for me. I forgave everything before and pressed on trying to be there for you and you pushed me away repeatedly until I stopped trying all together. You made the clear that I was not someone you wanted in your life despite the fact that I offered you whatever I could of myself to help make your changing life easier because that's what a true friend does. Yuu waned none of it. So I stopped trying.

After almost a year of not speaking you started "liking" my vacation pictures.  Then you decided to text me to say Hi and act like nothing happened. When I was understandably wary you proceeded to blame me for not talking to you and insinuate that I did something unforgivable to you causing you to not speak to me. I realize that it is a two way street and it took both of us not to talk to each other. I made the choice to stop trying after I was rejected and hurt by you repeatedly. I've had enough disappointment in my life that I didn't need to keep being sad every time you decided I wasn't good enough to be around your family.

Understand that I tried to be there for you and made a conscious choice to let you go because of the way i felt you treated me. I realize that people grow and change and your life changed dramatically since we met. Your choices are none of my buisness to judge (which I never did) whether I agree or not. I was truly happy for you for all of the good things in your life and truly sad for all of the bad things. True friends support each other through those changes no matter the situations they might be in themselves. But I can only try so hard and be let down so many times.