Find Your Tribe and Trust Them!
We meet friends when we are young, teens, 20’s and we think they are our soulmates. We like all the same stuff, we hate all the same stuff. We have fun, we “get” each other. But as we go through life experiences we grow and change and often we don’t fit together anymore. Sometimes we are lucky and even if we don’t fit like we used to we still love and support each other. I’m lucky enough to have a best friend since 9th grade who while we have grown far apart physically and in our experiences, we still love and support each other in all of our life travels. We may not see eye to eye on everything but we can put our differences aside and still have a great time and be supportive.
I think one of the biggest friendship breakers is having kids. We all started out having our kids and not really knowing all there is to know (do any of us know everything really anyway??). Leaning on people who have already been there, done that is so important for new moms to get by. You may have different views and different ideas but nothing beats true experience. So many people want to be perfect Pinterest moms and look for other perfect Pinterest moms to be their tribe when perfect Pinterest moms aren't actually a thing.
A lot of people have tons of opinions on things when they don't have kids - "my kid will never misbehave"... "I'm going to use only all-natural, organic products for my child and never expose them to anything toxic or harmful"... "Using a leash for a toddler is a horrible practice and I will never do that!"... "It will be perfectly easy to keep my car, furniture, and house clean and organized with kids".
Then you have actual human kids. What. The. Fuck. Cheez-Its everywhere, unidentified smears on the sofa, poop, screaming, doctors, work (for some), postpartum depression. What's the best car seat to buy? Formula or breastfeeding or both? co-sleeping or bassinet? Immunizations or nah? It's a lot.
For some, we can rely on our friends and tribe to support us and help us make the best decisions. For others, it's harder to take advice, or they don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of, or they don't like to receive advice. Some people just feel stupid asking for help and try to figure it all out themselves.
Some people may have a kid or two but their friends don't, or they have kids of different ages. That changes a lot of things between friends. Your priorities change, your energy levels change, your ability to go out and have a girls night changes. It's harder to relate to some friends who don't have the same things in common anymore.
Your true friends are the ones who stick by you when you go through these life changes. The ones who give gentle advice, help you learn the ropes. The ones who understand that you are too tired to go out and offer to come over and drink wine at home while you pump and rock the baby. The ones who come to your house with tacos for dinner and hold the baby while you eat. The ones who offer to come over and do your laundry and dishes for you. The ones who will help you find clothes to wear that don't make you look like you still have a baby inside. Your true friends are the ones who even when they are far away and can't be there in person call and text to check on you; even when they are far away they make the effort to travel to see you and your baby.
I was lucky enough to have friends (and family) who were ride-or-die from the beginning of my crazy journey and continuing even today. I was lucky enough that my best friend came from far away to be with me when I was stuck in the hospital and came back again multiple times to be with me during all the NICU fun we had. I was lucky enough to have family who showed up at my door with a brand new bottle warmer when I panicked about how to heat the milk (I thought I knew how but it turned out I couldn't remember!)
I was also unlucky enough to have friends that had other agendas and we are no longer able to be friends. I had friends without kids that didn't understand my time constraints. I had friends that were afraid of my situation and didn't say anything to me (they didn't know what to say and I get that). There's plenty of people who look at how I raise my children and side eye the hell out of me because I choose to do it differently.
The takeaway I have to give you is to take the help. Listen to the people that have been there and have the experience - you don't have to agree with them but listening and taking what they have to say to heart doesn't hurt anyone and might actually help! Most of all understand that not everyone understands fully your experience but they likely don't mean you harm (unless they do but then they were never a friend anyway). Trust the people who stick around and want to be there. Let them in, Trust the tribe!
I think one of the biggest friendship breakers is having kids. We all started out having our kids and not really knowing all there is to know (do any of us know everything really anyway??). Leaning on people who have already been there, done that is so important for new moms to get by. You may have different views and different ideas but nothing beats true experience. So many people want to be perfect Pinterest moms and look for other perfect Pinterest moms to be their tribe when perfect Pinterest moms aren't actually a thing.
A lot of people have tons of opinions on things when they don't have kids - "my kid will never misbehave"... "I'm going to use only all-natural, organic products for my child and never expose them to anything toxic or harmful"... "Using a leash for a toddler is a horrible practice and I will never do that!"... "It will be perfectly easy to keep my car, furniture, and house clean and organized with kids".
Then you have actual human kids. What. The. Fuck. Cheez-Its everywhere, unidentified smears on the sofa, poop, screaming, doctors, work (for some), postpartum depression. What's the best car seat to buy? Formula or breastfeeding or both? co-sleeping or bassinet? Immunizations or nah? It's a lot.
For some, we can rely on our friends and tribe to support us and help us make the best decisions. For others, it's harder to take advice, or they don't have anyone to bounce ideas off of, or they don't like to receive advice. Some people just feel stupid asking for help and try to figure it all out themselves.
Some people may have a kid or two but their friends don't, or they have kids of different ages. That changes a lot of things between friends. Your priorities change, your energy levels change, your ability to go out and have a girls night changes. It's harder to relate to some friends who don't have the same things in common anymore.
Your true friends are the ones who stick by you when you go through these life changes. The ones who give gentle advice, help you learn the ropes. The ones who understand that you are too tired to go out and offer to come over and drink wine at home while you pump and rock the baby. The ones who come to your house with tacos for dinner and hold the baby while you eat. The ones who offer to come over and do your laundry and dishes for you. The ones who will help you find clothes to wear that don't make you look like you still have a baby inside. Your true friends are the ones who even when they are far away and can't be there in person call and text to check on you; even when they are far away they make the effort to travel to see you and your baby.
I was lucky enough to have friends (and family) who were ride-or-die from the beginning of my crazy journey and continuing even today. I was lucky enough that my best friend came from far away to be with me when I was stuck in the hospital and came back again multiple times to be with me during all the NICU fun we had. I was lucky enough to have family who showed up at my door with a brand new bottle warmer when I panicked about how to heat the milk (I thought I knew how but it turned out I couldn't remember!)
I was also unlucky enough to have friends that had other agendas and we are no longer able to be friends. I had friends without kids that didn't understand my time constraints. I had friends that were afraid of my situation and didn't say anything to me (they didn't know what to say and I get that). There's plenty of people who look at how I raise my children and side eye the hell out of me because I choose to do it differently.
The takeaway I have to give you is to take the help. Listen to the people that have been there and have the experience - you don't have to agree with them but listening and taking what they have to say to heart doesn't hurt anyone and might actually help! Most of all understand that not everyone understands fully your experience but they likely don't mean you harm (unless they do but then they were never a friend anyway). Trust the people who stick around and want to be there. Let them in, Trust the tribe!
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