Mommy is Exhausted.
I find that people who don’t have a preemie or a child with special needs really can’t understand the level of busy and mental exhaustion that comes along with this life. We have gotten off very lucky with our situation in that our preemie has had far less “issues” than many others but it has been difficult nonetheless.
Over the last 3 years (including the end part of my pregnancy) we have seen more doctors, therapists, and specialties; had more testing and monitoring done than I ever though possible.
It’s so easy for someone with a normal healthy family to say “if you’re not happy with your postpartum body just make the time to go to the gym”. “You should always take some ‘Mommy time’ for yourself” or “schedule your time for grocery shopping, you only have one (little) kid.”
What they don’t understand is that I struggle for the majority of my day to get my child to eat a small amount of calories to get him to gain weight and avoid a feeding tube. All activities have to be planned around meals and each meal takes an hour to complete at best. If we are outside of our home and our normal routine he won’t eat at all. I bring a huge bag of snacks with me everywhere we go just in case he will agree to take a few bites. The idea of having to add tube feeding to my routine is more than I can bear to even consider.
What they don’t understand is that for the majority of the last 3 years I’ve had to get to some appointment or another multiple times a week in addition to working two full time jobs and finishing college degrees (yes multiple degrees achieved throughout this rollercoaster!) Yes, there’s a daddy involved and he is very helpful but Mommy does the appointments better. I’m currently going to feeding therapy twice a week, swim lessons (which is a choice but a necessary one), and GI appointments a few times a month. Previously I had to go to cranial helmet appointments every other week, PT weekly, nutritionist weekly, speech weekly, urology, ENT for hearing loss, GI, plus the regular pediatrician checkups.
What they don’t understand is that the crippling, overwhelming anxiety about leaving the house with or without the baby. What if the baby cries in the store? People are going to judge me. Now that he’s a toddler he has temper tantrums in the store - people are going to judge my parenting and tantrum handling skills. None of my clothes fit properly and I look like I’m still pregnant because I can’t lose the baby weight because I have no time or drive to work on it - people are going to judge me.
Granted I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks, I shouldn’t stress over strangers that I don’t know judging me but if someone who doesn’t struggle with anxiety and depression reads this, understand that this is a huge part of that. Anxiety tells us that everyone is laughing at us, looking at us, judging us and we should just hide and not expose ourselves to it.
What they don’t understand is that I’ve had to put my own healthcare needs on hold after my pregnancy was over because I just can’t fit in the extra appointments. I am managing the bare minimum for myself - went to the dentist for the first time in 3 years, and I go to the counselor so I can unload every few weeks but after that I just have to wait.
What they don’t understand is that I struggle to get through the day to day at my house. Getting dishes washed, laundry done, general cleaning up of the day from a very active and busy toddler is a struggle in itself without adding “workout time” and “mommy time”. By the end of the day, once I’ve gotten everything done as best I can manage, I am so mentally exhausted from trying to figure everything out and trying to be “on” all day that all I can do is sit down or go to sleep.
So for those moms that don’t have a preemie, a special needs child, a high needs child, or a sick child, please understand that I’m not lazy or crazy or a bad mom. I’m just fucking exhausted - mentally and physically. I would love to go to the gym or go on play dates and outings every single day but the reality for me is that I can’t. Right now I have to prioritize my time and physical fitness for myself is low on the list. Mommy time is low on the list.
Over the last 3 years (including the end part of my pregnancy) we have seen more doctors, therapists, and specialties; had more testing and monitoring done than I ever though possible.
It’s so easy for someone with a normal healthy family to say “if you’re not happy with your postpartum body just make the time to go to the gym”. “You should always take some ‘Mommy time’ for yourself” or “schedule your time for grocery shopping, you only have one (little) kid.”
What they don’t understand is that I struggle for the majority of my day to get my child to eat a small amount of calories to get him to gain weight and avoid a feeding tube. All activities have to be planned around meals and each meal takes an hour to complete at best. If we are outside of our home and our normal routine he won’t eat at all. I bring a huge bag of snacks with me everywhere we go just in case he will agree to take a few bites. The idea of having to add tube feeding to my routine is more than I can bear to even consider.
What they don’t understand is that for the majority of the last 3 years I’ve had to get to some appointment or another multiple times a week in addition to working two full time jobs and finishing college degrees (yes multiple degrees achieved throughout this rollercoaster!) Yes, there’s a daddy involved and he is very helpful but Mommy does the appointments better. I’m currently going to feeding therapy twice a week, swim lessons (which is a choice but a necessary one), and GI appointments a few times a month. Previously I had to go to cranial helmet appointments every other week, PT weekly, nutritionist weekly, speech weekly, urology, ENT for hearing loss, GI, plus the regular pediatrician checkups.
What they don’t understand is that the crippling, overwhelming anxiety about leaving the house with or without the baby. What if the baby cries in the store? People are going to judge me. Now that he’s a toddler he has temper tantrums in the store - people are going to judge my parenting and tantrum handling skills. None of my clothes fit properly and I look like I’m still pregnant because I can’t lose the baby weight because I have no time or drive to work on it - people are going to judge me.
Granted I shouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks, I shouldn’t stress over strangers that I don’t know judging me but if someone who doesn’t struggle with anxiety and depression reads this, understand that this is a huge part of that. Anxiety tells us that everyone is laughing at us, looking at us, judging us and we should just hide and not expose ourselves to it.
What they don’t understand is that I’ve had to put my own healthcare needs on hold after my pregnancy was over because I just can’t fit in the extra appointments. I am managing the bare minimum for myself - went to the dentist for the first time in 3 years, and I go to the counselor so I can unload every few weeks but after that I just have to wait.
What they don’t understand is that I struggle to get through the day to day at my house. Getting dishes washed, laundry done, general cleaning up of the day from a very active and busy toddler is a struggle in itself without adding “workout time” and “mommy time”. By the end of the day, once I’ve gotten everything done as best I can manage, I am so mentally exhausted from trying to figure everything out and trying to be “on” all day that all I can do is sit down or go to sleep.
So for those moms that don’t have a preemie, a special needs child, a high needs child, or a sick child, please understand that I’m not lazy or crazy or a bad mom. I’m just fucking exhausted - mentally and physically. I would love to go to the gym or go on play dates and outings every single day but the reality for me is that I can’t. Right now I have to prioritize my time and physical fitness for myself is low on the list. Mommy time is low on the list.
Comments
Post a Comment