I had a Miscarriage
I wrote this probably 2 1/2 - 3 years ago when some of these feelings were fresher in my mind. I'm now 40, almost 41. I've given birth to that baby I so desperately wanted. It has worked out but it was not the road I expected to go down when I started with this journey.
I'm 36 years old, soon to be 37. I knew going in that having a baby was not going to be as easy a task as it was at 21 but I had no idea how emotionally and physically trying it would actually be. It seems like for pretty much everyone I know there was no planning involved and whoops! babies everywhere! but for me there was a busy schedule of counting cycle days, cell phone apps to keep up with, checking gross things like "cervical mucus", strategically planning romantic "date nights" at home, then, of course, the dreaded "two-week wait" between the date nights and the expected "visit from Aunt Flo"... Fucking Aunt Flo. Aunt Flo is a bitch.
So month after month, two-week wait after two-week wait and the inevitable always comes: three more people announce that they are expecting and I get my goddamn period. I get two patients a night who didn't know they were expecting or coming in for complications related to elective abortions or wanting morning-after pills and I just want to drop all my stuff and leave. It's just not fair. Why are all these people who didn't even want it getting babies and I feel completely undeserving? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my body? What's wrong with my Karma? Why am I such a failure at something people have been doing for millennia without even trying?
Surprise! When I was least expecting it I'm pregnant too!! All the fears of never being able to be pregnant again go away, but the reality sets in too - I'll be 9 months pregnant (or close to it) in the middle of august! I'll have a real live baby to care for! No more sleep! I can't wait to tell people, I can't wait to have a doctor's appointment and hear a heartbeat inside me and get an ultrasound to see that this is really happening.
Physically I feel like shit. nauseated, bouts of narcoleptic level fatigue, cramps...I never had any of this last time. I'm assured by Dr. Google that it's all normal but I'm still worried. But the day came after only a week of knowing that I was pregnant that the cramps got worse, then the bleeding started. According to the doctor, there's nothing that can be done, what's going to happen is going to happen. I should just put my feet up and wait it out, get blood work and hope for the best except she doesn't know that I have to go out today and cut down a Christmas tree.
The blood work isn't good. I'm not pregnant anymore. I already knew, you just know. I felt it all slip away that night anyway along with my dreams of a new baby. I still have to get blood drawn two more times. As if this wasn't hard enough, I still have to keep going back for painful reminders of what I lost. The doctor says we can try again as soon as my body is back to normal. Except I don't feel back to normal yet. Everywhere I go, everything I do seems to involve pregnant people: from TV to social media to going to work.
Which brings me back to: what's wrong with me? Why can't I do this one thing that women have done for millennia without even trying? What's wrong with mt body? What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve to have this happen to me? I can't even talk to anyone about it because no one will understand just how much of a failure I feel like. I'm just walking around alone, I don't know where to go from here.
I have to go back to work and continue to see patients who are experiencing the same thing. I had these types of patients all the time before and always felt so sad for them - I could never imagine coming back from things like this. For every woman who was told that her pregnancy was not viable, I felt like they were saying it to me over and over. Some of my coworkers are in the same boat too but I can't talk to them. I feel stupid being so crushed over a 5 week pregnancy that I barely knew about when some were much farther along than I was but I can't control how I feel.
I'm terrified to keep trying. What if that was my only chance and it's gone now? what if this happens again and again? I'm going to keep trying but I don't know for how long or how far I'll go to get there.
I'm 36 years old, soon to be 37. I knew going in that having a baby was not going to be as easy a task as it was at 21 but I had no idea how emotionally and physically trying it would actually be. It seems like for pretty much everyone I know there was no planning involved and whoops! babies everywhere! but for me there was a busy schedule of counting cycle days, cell phone apps to keep up with, checking gross things like "cervical mucus", strategically planning romantic "date nights" at home, then, of course, the dreaded "two-week wait" between the date nights and the expected "visit from Aunt Flo"... Fucking Aunt Flo. Aunt Flo is a bitch.
So month after month, two-week wait after two-week wait and the inevitable always comes: three more people announce that they are expecting and I get my goddamn period. I get two patients a night who didn't know they were expecting or coming in for complications related to elective abortions or wanting morning-after pills and I just want to drop all my stuff and leave. It's just not fair. Why are all these people who didn't even want it getting babies and I feel completely undeserving? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with my body? What's wrong with my Karma? Why am I such a failure at something people have been doing for millennia without even trying?
Surprise! When I was least expecting it I'm pregnant too!! All the fears of never being able to be pregnant again go away, but the reality sets in too - I'll be 9 months pregnant (or close to it) in the middle of august! I'll have a real live baby to care for! No more sleep! I can't wait to tell people, I can't wait to have a doctor's appointment and hear a heartbeat inside me and get an ultrasound to see that this is really happening.
Physically I feel like shit. nauseated, bouts of narcoleptic level fatigue, cramps...I never had any of this last time. I'm assured by Dr. Google that it's all normal but I'm still worried. But the day came after only a week of knowing that I was pregnant that the cramps got worse, then the bleeding started. According to the doctor, there's nothing that can be done, what's going to happen is going to happen. I should just put my feet up and wait it out, get blood work and hope for the best except she doesn't know that I have to go out today and cut down a Christmas tree.
The blood work isn't good. I'm not pregnant anymore. I already knew, you just know. I felt it all slip away that night anyway along with my dreams of a new baby. I still have to get blood drawn two more times. As if this wasn't hard enough, I still have to keep going back for painful reminders of what I lost. The doctor says we can try again as soon as my body is back to normal. Except I don't feel back to normal yet. Everywhere I go, everything I do seems to involve pregnant people: from TV to social media to going to work.
Which brings me back to: what's wrong with me? Why can't I do this one thing that women have done for millennia without even trying? What's wrong with mt body? What did I do wrong? Why do I deserve to have this happen to me? I can't even talk to anyone about it because no one will understand just how much of a failure I feel like. I'm just walking around alone, I don't know where to go from here.
I have to go back to work and continue to see patients who are experiencing the same thing. I had these types of patients all the time before and always felt so sad for them - I could never imagine coming back from things like this. For every woman who was told that her pregnancy was not viable, I felt like they were saying it to me over and over. Some of my coworkers are in the same boat too but I can't talk to them. I feel stupid being so crushed over a 5 week pregnancy that I barely knew about when some were much farther along than I was but I can't control how I feel.
I'm terrified to keep trying. What if that was my only chance and it's gone now? what if this happens again and again? I'm going to keep trying but I don't know for how long or how far I'll go to get there.
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