The World’s Okayest Mom

I have anxiety and ADD. Things like Christmas shopping for a ton of people put me over the edge every. single. year. Things such as going to family parties, decorating, selecting a tree and buying presents have always been a huge stressor to me. I know, we ALL want to give our kids a perfect magical Christmas full of traditions and Elves and wonderous activities but the reality is that for the working mommies who have multiple kids and responsibilities it gets a bit tricky. One major reason this stuff always stressed me out was the lack of money -  I was a single parent, in nursing school, paying for school out of pocket, and working a full-time job that paid slightly above minimum wage. My kid wanted to cool stuff like any other kid - Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, American Girl dolls, clothes from the cool stores but I really couldn't afford much of it. Plus I always felt like I had to buy things for my friends and other family members even if they didn't care. I was luc...

I wrote this probably 2 1/2 - 3 years ago when some of these feelings were fresher in my mind. I'm now 40, almost 41. I've given birth to that baby I so desperately wanted. It has worked out but it was not the road I expected to go down when I started with this journey. I'm 36 years old, soon to be 37. I knew going in that having a baby was not going to be as easy a task as it was at 21 but I had no idea how emotionally and physically trying it would actually be. It seems like for pretty much everyone I know there was no planning involved and whoops! babies everywhere! but for me there was a busy schedule of counting cycle days, cell phone apps to keep up with, checking gross things like "cervical mucus", strategically planning romantic "date nights" at home, then, of course, the dreaded "two-week wait" between the date nights and the expected "visit from Aunt Flo"... Fucking Aunt Flo. Aunt Flo is a bitch.     So month after month...

This is the continuing saga of my menstrual cup journey. It finally arrived in the mail! I decided to go with the unbranded one from www.Rebelkate.com and was very pleasantly surprised when I went to order and discovered that they sell them in packages of two - a large size and a small size so I didn't have to guess and spend the money on the wrong size! I also found out that they have a deal that when I bought one set I could get a second set for $10 extra so I got 4 cups altogether for about $30 which is about what ONE cup would cost elsewhere. Score!! It took about two weeks to arrive, which is ok considering it's not Amazon Prime promising 1-2 day shipping. Their website does say that they have United States and also international suppliers so it should take around 2 weeks including a few days to process the order. I also want to note that they offer a few cool products geared at empowering women such as reusable fabric pads, cute bags, jewelry, and even shoes and pillows...

I have decided it's time for me to give the old menstrual cup a whirl! It sounds pretty gross to be honest - a little cup up in ya to collect all the lady business - but an alternative to buying tampons and pads sounds pretty cool, right? Why not? I have had very few actual periods since 2006 since I started using the Mirena. I had it out for about 9 months in 2015 - 2016 when I was trying to get pregnant, then after I had the baby in 2016 I had the usual postpartum bleeding, then got a new Mirena which honestly sucked hard because the periods were completely unpredictable and PRESENT which never happened before with my previous IUD's. I have mostly been a tampon user for the majority of my menstruating life - just cleaner, easier to use, less hassle. I just got my Mirena out due to... reasons... so I decided to give the menstrual cup a try since I'm entering the world of periods again for possibly the next 10 years give or take.  I have heard mixed reviews about th...

I have an unpopular opinion: I think a lot of the “insta mommies” and “Pinterest mommies” are using postpartum depression as a tool to seem relatable and I think it’s pretty fucked up. It seems like writing or vlogging about your “experience” has become a badge of honor not only used to boost popularity and relatability but also to shill multi-level marketing products (which was my experience).  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to know what any one person has been through or felt at one point or another but when someone tries to relate to me as a stressed out mom by posting pictures of their immaculate house, perfectly styled children, and letter boards calling themselves “hot mess mamas” I find it to be more than disingenuous. I actually find it to be fake and insulting. When someone tries to tell me their story of redemption from the pits of despair by finding Beach Body or essential oils and I could find peace too if I buy their products for the low low price of $300 I g...

Earlier today I was circling hardcore. The kind of anxiety where you just feel kind of not good, can’t quite breathe right, you’re worried but not sure what about, start getting tunnel vision and feeling like you just have to lay down right now and go to sleep or you might die.... I am applauding myself because I recognized what was happening and in my foggy mind I sat down and thought “what can i do? I have a toddler sitting in his high chair eating his lunch so I can’t fall apart right now. I have a lot to do today and I can’t put it all on hold for an anxiety attack. I have to fix this.” I already took my Zoloft so had to wait for that to work. I already texted a friend and said I’m having an anxiety attack but have to wait for a response. So I sat down and drank a bottle of water and thought about deep breathing... that’s supposed to help! Then I remembered that doing the “legs up the wall” pose (or Viparita Karani) is supposed to help also so I laid on the floor while the bab...

We meet friends when we are young, teens, 20’s and we think they are our soulmates. We like all the same stuff, we hate all the same stuff. We have fun, we “get” each other. But as we go through life experiences we grow and change and often we don’t fit together anymore. Sometimes we are lucky and even if we don’t fit like we used to we still love and support each other. I’m lucky enough to have a best friend since 9th grade who while we have grown far apart physically and in our experiences, we still love and support each other in all of our life travels. We may not see eye to eye on everything but we can put our differences aside and still have a great time and be supportive. I think one of the biggest friendship breakers is having kids. We all started out having our kids and not really knowing all there is to know (do any of us know everything really anyway??). Leaning on people who have already been there, done that is so important for new moms to get by. You may have different v...

I had an early miscarriage. In fact, I had two. I hate to even admit those words honestly, it’s easier to just forget about it and pretend it never happened because admitting that it happened to me is really, really painful. We sort of lazily tried for around 5 months or so to get pregnant before I got that BFP (big fat positive). I was honestly shocked when I saw that positive test because I didn’t think it was going to happen! I kept it a secret for an entire 2 days. When I finally told PJ he was kind of freaked out and had a hard time handling the news. We had an argument the following Thursday about it, I told him to have a talk with his brother because I didn’t know how to help him be ok with having a baby - this was all super new for him so I understood the immense fear he would be feeling but I’m not a guy, I don’t know. Exactly one week later, a Saturday night, I had a sudden onset of severe cramping and bleeding. I googled and googled, texted people I haven’t spoken to in ...

I’ve been noticing a trend lately with moms (and not moms also) that so many feel like they need to control every aspect of everything all the time. The possibility of not being in full control of every situation just puts them over the edge. This is such a hard way to live. I’m guilty of trying to control too many things myself!  You have to learn how to let some things go! You have to learn that it’s ok if things aren’t perfect. It’s ok if you aren’t a perfect Pinterest mom. As frustrating and difficult as that might be to realize, the perfect Pinterest moms are NOT perfect. Their kids have temper tantrums, they get sick, they pick their noses, they eat McDonalds, they dump their Cheez-It’s in their car seat, the kids rip their nicely styled hair out as soon as they get to school,  they smack their heads while trying to get them into their car seats, their kids dump their dinner on the floor, their husbands (boyfriends, spouses, wives, whatever) aren’t always nice to the...

I find that people who don’t have a preemie or a child with special needs really can’t understand the level of busy and mental exhaustion that comes along with this life. We have gotten off very lucky with our situation in that our preemie has had far less “issues” than many others but it has been difficult nonetheless. Over the last 3 years (including the end part of my pregnancy) we have seen more doctors, therapists, and specialties; had more testing and monitoring done than I ever though possible. It’s so easy for someone with a normal healthy family to say “if you’re not happy with your postpartum body just make the time to go to the gym”. “You should always take some ‘Mommy time’ for yourself” or “schedule your time for grocery shopping, you only have one (little) kid.” What they don’t understand is that I struggle for the majority of my day to get my child to eat a small amount of calories to get him to gain weight and avoid a feeding tube. All activities have to be planne...