Post partum depression is for everyone, not just the cool moms.
I have an unpopular opinion: I think a lot of the “insta mommies” and “Pinterest mommies” are using postpartum depression as a tool to seem relatable and I think it’s pretty fucked up. It seems like writing or vlogging about your “experience” has become a badge of honor not only used to boost popularity and relatability but also to shill multi-level marketing products (which was my experience).
I had a colicky child who screamed day and night for hours upon hours, vomiting nonstop, school work to do, pumping, breastfeeding, and bottle feeding, constant pain from pumping no matter what I did. Showering was a rare activity, sleeping was almost a never activity. Wearing a shirt? forget it! Having to go back to work and pump at work and wear a shirt and bra was torture. I was having panic attacks about having to go to Walmart because I felt so fat and ugly and had a preemie who I couldn't take out because of germs and also he screamed non stop. I changed jobs to a brand new high-stress job which in hindsight was a terrible idea. It didn't go well, to say the least.
The last thing I was able to do during all of this was to lose weight, look put together, have a clean house, be cheerful, or basically have any interaction with any other people. I was literally sobbing for hours before I could get myself together to go to the store. I was angry, sobbing, and overly anxious for the days leading up to having to go to work.
I refused to go on medication at that time because of past experiences with anti-anxiety medication, and also the idea that I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it myself. Why can't I manage to be a mother like 'normal' people do? It was bad enough that I couldn't carry the baby to term like everyone else could, and now I can't even organize myself to handle everyday tasks. In my mind, I was a complete failure of a mother, a nurse, a woman, and as a person because I couldn't navigate new motherhood like the moms I perceived as "perfect".
When I decided to reach out to someone I thought was a friend who had experienced PPD and PPA she was at first supportive. but then it turned into "buy this exercise program from me" then turned into "buy these essential oils from me" and so on and so on with numerous MLM business ventures. I didn't really have an issue with any of this stuff until I was treated as a "mark", treated as dollar signs. I was in a really bad position and reaching out for help, desperate for someone to understand. The last thing in the world I needed was to be convinced to spend hundreds of dollars I didn't have on crap products that not only don't work but also would have made me sicker physically. I see this a lot lately - people who are reaching out for help or advice and are met with sales pitches. They are in a vulnerable position and an easy target for predatory business models.
I'm not trying to discredit anyone else's experience, we all have different levels of postpartum issues. It's certainly not something anyone wants to have. It's not a competition to have the worst experience with postpartum depression - although it almost seems like it's treated that way sometimes. It makes me sad and angry to see so many people making light of something so serious and so life changing, or using someone else's pain and suffering to promote their own agenda.
My hope is that moms can be real about their experiences, that they can speak up and be truthful about how they feel or felt. I want those moms who know how it feels to be isolated and scared and overwhelmed to remember how they felt and remember what they needed from a supporter and be that person to someone else.
I want all moms to know that it's ok to take medication for depression and anxiety. I want them to know that going to therapy is ok and not to be ashamed of. I want them to know that it's ok to not be perfect, it's ok to choose not to breastfeed, it's ok to not lose the baby weight immediately. It's not permanent, it will get better! I want everyone to know that they should never suffer in silence - please reach out for help and keep reaching out.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming to know what any one person has been through or felt at one point or another but when someone tries to relate to me as a stressed out mom by posting pictures of their immaculate house, perfectly styled children, and letter boards calling themselves “hot mess mamas” I find it to be more than disingenuous. I actually find it to be fake and insulting. When someone tries to tell me their story of redemption from the pits of despair by finding Beach Body or essential oils and I could find peace too if I buy their products for the low low price of $300 I get angry. Like really angry. How dare anyone take something that is so dark and personal and use it to prey on vulnerable women just to make a buck - be it MLM sales or making money and popularity from vlogging/blogging.
No, postpartum depression and anxiety do not discriminate. It can be anyone who suffers - from perfect Pinterest moms, moms of 9 children who never had it before, to teenage mothers and celebrities. I'm not saying that people who put out a "perfect" persona can't or aren't suffering because sometimes they are the ones who are suffering the most from low self-esteem and depression and they are successfully putting on a front to make things look better than they are. The perfect houses shown in Instagram pictures have piles of unfolded laundry out of frame, the perfect pictures of the kids possibly took many many takes because someone ripped their hair bows out or pooped their diaper.
Having depression and anxiety all my life I expected to have postpartum depression when I had my second child. I didn’t know enough when I had my first child but looking back I know I was suffering so badly. Both of my children were born into extremely stressful situations: my oldest I was a young single mother with no money or education navigating a bad breakup with a shitty sperm donor. I knew nothing and had no help to figure out breastfeeding, pumping, or caring for a premature baby at 20 years old. My youngest born far too early and a long difficult road through the NICU, pumping and breastfeeding and all the things I had to learn about and handle going forward with a preemie. It was a disaster really.
I had a colicky child who screamed day and night for hours upon hours, vomiting nonstop, school work to do, pumping, breastfeeding, and bottle feeding, constant pain from pumping no matter what I did. Showering was a rare activity, sleeping was almost a never activity. Wearing a shirt? forget it! Having to go back to work and pump at work and wear a shirt and bra was torture. I was having panic attacks about having to go to Walmart because I felt so fat and ugly and had a preemie who I couldn't take out because of germs and also he screamed non stop. I changed jobs to a brand new high-stress job which in hindsight was a terrible idea. It didn't go well, to say the least.
The last thing I was able to do during all of this was to lose weight, look put together, have a clean house, be cheerful, or basically have any interaction with any other people. I was literally sobbing for hours before I could get myself together to go to the store. I was angry, sobbing, and overly anxious for the days leading up to having to go to work.
I refused to go on medication at that time because of past experiences with anti-anxiety medication, and also the idea that I felt like a failure because I couldn't do it myself. Why can't I manage to be a mother like 'normal' people do? It was bad enough that I couldn't carry the baby to term like everyone else could, and now I can't even organize myself to handle everyday tasks. In my mind, I was a complete failure of a mother, a nurse, a woman, and as a person because I couldn't navigate new motherhood like the moms I perceived as "perfect".
When I decided to reach out to someone I thought was a friend who had experienced PPD and PPA she was at first supportive. but then it turned into "buy this exercise program from me" then turned into "buy these essential oils from me" and so on and so on with numerous MLM business ventures. I didn't really have an issue with any of this stuff until I was treated as a "mark", treated as dollar signs. I was in a really bad position and reaching out for help, desperate for someone to understand. The last thing in the world I needed was to be convinced to spend hundreds of dollars I didn't have on crap products that not only don't work but also would have made me sicker physically. I see this a lot lately - people who are reaching out for help or advice and are met with sales pitches. They are in a vulnerable position and an easy target for predatory business models.
I'm not trying to discredit anyone else's experience, we all have different levels of postpartum issues. It's certainly not something anyone wants to have. It's not a competition to have the worst experience with postpartum depression - although it almost seems like it's treated that way sometimes. It makes me sad and angry to see so many people making light of something so serious and so life changing, or using someone else's pain and suffering to promote their own agenda.
My hope is that moms can be real about their experiences, that they can speak up and be truthful about how they feel or felt. I want those moms who know how it feels to be isolated and scared and overwhelmed to remember how they felt and remember what they needed from a supporter and be that person to someone else.
I want all moms to know that it's ok to take medication for depression and anxiety. I want them to know that going to therapy is ok and not to be ashamed of. I want them to know that it's ok to not be perfect, it's ok to choose not to breastfeed, it's ok to not lose the baby weight immediately. It's not permanent, it will get better! I want everyone to know that they should never suffer in silence - please reach out for help and keep reaching out.
Great article! So many good points.
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